Shades of Rumination

The 21st century pioneers can keep their slogans of making the world a better place to themselves, I am not falling for that. That idea is an illusion. The real world is motivated by greed and lust and filled with people who sell their to soul the devil and the souls of others to corrupt governments and multi billion dollar corporations. We cope with reality by ignoring it. We create a false sense of security by looking the other way and labeling things as ‘ours’s’ and ‘theirs’s’. The ones who are too naïve to be caught in this web, well we are made to feel that the problem lies within us. This internalized conflict, where the body tries to mimic happiness and mind tries hard not to forget, is what I call depression.

Now that you’ve understood my state of mind, we can get a little more personal. Don’t think of me as a person who has all his life just sulked over things. There was a time when even I was a ‘Walt Disney level Optimist’. As a young kid I always had questions, and these questions always had answers. As I grew, the questions got more complex and the answers more scarce. This led to worthless explorations, and the slow death of my optimism. I realized that the answers have always been there and hidden for a reason; we are not ready to hear them.

Slowly I spiraled into mental compulsions and social withdrawal. I fell prey to internet searches and uneducated advice. Everyday dicks started telling me how they relate to me at a certain level. The truth was that they had no clue. They never question. They’re foot soldiers in this fight. Sheep who follow other sheep. They wear their blindness as a medal and worship the system as the only source of truth. After months of dealing with fake check ins, nodding in agreement, and pretending to be normal, I decided to cut myself from the world. And none of that selective bullshit; everything at once.

My daily step count went from 6k to 500. My weight went up from 79 to 97. I started spending most of my time in the dark. Haircuts became a quarterly thing and it felt like the chances of my survival were pretty slim. My screams started losing decibels and I could cry on cue. I swear I was done, had life not hit me at a super sonic speed. All of a sudden, I had no time for rumination. This renewed lease on life came with the feeling of inadequacy. No longer was I good enough at anything. I kept on making commitments that I couldn’t fulfill and kept on disappointing the people who needed me the most. This led to insecurities, which later led to ticks, which in return led to insomnia. The final outcome you ask? Abuse. Of every kind. Self harm of the physical, mental and psychological nature. My demons became my chief advisers and I was constantly looking for outlets to release pain. I tried to fly away, one last time and to reach a state which is beyond all this. It was the stroke of luck that I failed.

Ironically, it took the darkest of my days to find a glimmer of light. My guardian angels had yet not given up on me, they believed there was still hope. But in order for them to help me, I needed to accept that the problem. I needed to put my mental health ahead of very thing and trust me, it cost me a lot in the other walks of my life. Now that I look back it seems to be worth it, but only now and not back then. In the beginning, therapy felt like a maze of psychological mumbo jumbo and meds felt like concoctions with deadly side effects. Had my back not been against the wall, I would have probably not even participated. But like they say, timing is everything.

Soon things started to get better, relationships started to lose their sourness and public interactions started feeling less of a task. I started coming up with my own coping mechanisms and reading about the people who had been in my shoes. I also realized that change, however small, is still change, and for the better. Just because things are currently bad, doesn’t mean they won’t improve. I also learned that mental wellbeing is not a steep or a ramp, it’s a curve with highs and lows and even though I am currently in a rut, I am committed to get better.

I hope after reading this, you are too. Remember, even if it feels like the odds are against you, you yourself are not. Not acknowledging a problem doesn’t make it magically disappear. However, if you commit to self care, things will get better, slowly and steadily.


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