The Year As It Went By

Dear reader,

Before you go any further you must know that this is not something I have done before. This is in no manner a remarkable way to boost your morale by highlighting the ups and downs of my year. It is as much for you as it is for myself.

As you keep on reading, you may realise that this is a just a pathetic cry for help. I wouldn’t blame you and I would definitely not blame myself. Maybe because half way through this I began to realise that no one outside of my room can help me get through this. This is my journey and only I can ever be in any position to help myself.

The year began with a lot of excitement which for me can be broken down into equal parts of anticipation and well, fear. Anticipation of what is to come and fear of how badly all of it could go down. Luckily I had, and still have, a lot of friends who couldn’t give a single fuck about the ‘fear’ part. And honestly I am as grateful to them for that as I am for all the beer we had together. We love beer. All of us. Beer that helped us stay alive through some very difficult nights.

Also the beer that made us miss some very important classes.

With every missed class I realised how much I hated engineering. Don’t get me wrong, writing and engineering are more similar than you think. At the end of the day, both of them just want you to do one thing, which is to find solution to your problems. Just that writing has no three-hour limit. Also with writing, it’s sometimes okay not to find the solution. And most importantly, the steps carry marks.

I have had more such the head versus the heart conflicts. I am not a hopeless romantic but a bad flirt. Or maybe I watched too many soap operas or read too many novels to put romance up on a pedestal. “If it is bound to happen, it will happen.” Due to this, I was always at the wrong place at the wrong time. I was always late. I would end up missing a lot of faces like hell but boy was I spared off from a lot of heartache. Love is like autumn they say; eventually it makes way for newer better things.

For me those things were food and music. I didn’t cook, hardly even boiled water. What I did was eat food, loads of it. I went from 86 kilos to 90 kilos and then from 90 to 82. The last time I exercised was in July. I would tell you my secret but that might just get me arrested. Also I would like to thank Roy and Suneeti for constantly feeding me. You guys were awesome.

For the first time in twenty years, I would realise that music was not just meant to be listened to but also to be seen, read and understood. I invested time and money, paid attention to suggestions, and suddenly there was this endless source of happiness which had no price tag.

But the most important thing that music did was that it made me realise that even silence is important. Silence in retrospect to music seems like an empty void. What music really does is that it gets you thinking during that time. I learned that I could run but I could not hide. Not from my past, not from my future and definitely not from my present.

There were flashes of anxiety and depression too. Soon those flashes became strong enough to burn me down to ashes. There were times when I did not want to face reality, there were also times when I couldn’t. I realised that I had to be strong enough to seek help. I was excellent at hiding this through the day, but I was awake most nights and the nights that I did sleep, were full of nightmares. I have a vivid imagination, which is probably where I draw my inspiration from. I became afraid to even think of writing. In fact this is first piece that I have written in months. It took a lot of courage to admit that. I have definitely failed before, but I have never ran away from my problems. So it was a first.

The people who know me, know me as a strong person. I don’t really break down easy, I don’t back out and I am always good with advice. Initially it was tough for them to come to terms with it, but they knew I wasn’t lying. I do lie a lot. But never to hurt someone. It’s just a reflex. When I finally realised I was hurting myself by living this elaborate facade of being okay when clearly I was not, I knew I was hurting someone. It’s just that this time it was I who was at the receiving end. And it was not okay.

So I eventually began the healing process, some conventional methods, some unconventional ones and even though it has only been a few weeks, I know I will get there. I just need to give time some time.

I do plan to publish my novel. I do plan on getting the girl. But they can wait. So can sunsets, parties and the beach. I have counted till twelve and now it’s time to find myself.

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